Lots Going on… Mental Overload

So my depression took a downturn recently. There’s a lot happening at once and while its not all bad, it’s still an overload. Good stuff include Deedee turning 3, preparing for new baby, and my *cough* 40th birthday coming up. Double depression whammy between my Grandma’s apparent giving up on life recently and a lack of information from my OB’s office scaring me. Let’s start with that.

This isn’t my first baby, but with Deedee, she was considered underweight and I was going to the high-risk clinic. The high-risk people talked to me so much, despite the worry of her being underweight, I trusted them and was ok. My new office here is busy, and the doc always seems in a hurry, and if I have any questions, I swear I have to interrupt his goodbye spiel to ask it. I am not assertive… Princess Baby slept through a 35-week non-stress-test (NST) and the tone of my visit shifted to concerned – they squished me in for a biophysical profile that same day and scheduled an extra unplanned visit in less than a week. I had to look up NST and biophysical profiles online and while it wasn’t all doom and gloom, when you’ve been given no information and have depression anyway, all you see is this quote: “The test is most commonly done when there’s an increased risk of problems that could lead to complications or pregnancy loss.” Add to that the firmly stressed and repeated multiple times by both doctor and nurse to call – there’s an after hours line, don’t wait for morning – if I detect a decrease in fetal movement. Like I’m supposed to sleep now?!?

On the 3^rd visit within 2 weeks, I finally asked the doc (this is a big deal for me, I’m nonconfrontational to my detriment) why I have so many scans scheduled, what are they for, is something wrong? I’m mortified to be crying through it – I practiced my speech in the car and had every intention of being bitchy as a show of strength. Ah well… doc is apologetic (his good natured chuckle landed poorly though) and says at 39 and overweight, these tests are just done, my baby’s fine. What, was he avoiding the age and weight topic to not hurt my feelings? Like I don’t know I’m overweight and old?

But they’re still stressing to monitor movement and I’m still overly distracted by it… school is definitely getting the least of my mental function right now. I’m fairly certain I’m not getting A’s this term.

School… I should be excited, right? I’m done in 8 days. Anti-climactic online school finished, graduated, ta da. Diploma comes in the mail in about 12 weeks… but man, this is such a disappointing term! All classmates are worthless in the discussion board interactions. This teacher isn’t helping my enthusiasm either. Most of her replies come off a little bot-sounding. Last week she replied to my post as though my opinion on the matter was defending a certain tax practice when my entire post was academically criticizing it. If this were 18-year-old me, I would have dropped out of more than half of this school’s classes because the teachers suck. Yes, that is something I did frequently while less mature. A teacher that didn’t seem to care couldn’t make me care so I’d drop out while I could still get at least a partial tuition refund. That explains why I’ve been enrolled in 6 different higher learning institutions since 1998 and only just now am getting a degree.

I’ve mostly come to terms with not seeing Grandma before she goes… it’s probably more of a numbness than a coming to terms… there’s just so much going on in my head at the same time! The only new news I’ve heard on that front is that after 6 months of suicidal-depression-inducing isolation, there are now 11 cases of covid at the nursing home. Grrrreeeat.

I did finally apply for an absentee ballot and as a 40-year-old, former Army Soldier, I will be voting for the first time ever. That makes me feel all sorts of adultish and responsible.

PB’s due in 2 weeks and a day and I’m SO ready to not be pregnant anymore. I’m stressed abut this decreased fetal movement thing, not to mention I’m HUGE! Not even remotely worried about this baby’s weight… she’s already considered 7.5 pounds – heavier than Deedee was at birth – late and induced (she was 6lbs 15oz)! I’m also very nervous about water breaking, waiting until labor pains are 5 minutes apart, drive to the hospital in labor, yanno, the more average way these things seem to happen. Deedee won’t be allowed in the hospital and I’m so grateful my in-laws are prepared to drop everything and come get her when its time, but I still worry hubby might miss the birth waiting for his folks (2 hour drive) with our toddler. Doc chuckled at my request to induce on Halloween, but maybe I can convince him of another day since Halloween is a Saturday. But common, that’s bragging rights her whole life if she were born on a blue moon Halloween. My birthday is the 29^th and I’d be happy to share… 37 weeks is technically full-term, let’s go doc… any day now! Next appointment is Thursday, I’ll be there anyway, whadayasay?