31 Weeks Pregnant and Almost 40 (years old)

This is me venting a bit… I’m sure most of my complaints are more pregnancy in general or baby number 2 specific.

Oof – I miss not living in fear of the surprise sneeze while sitting cross-legged. I suppose giving up the cross-legged pose at my age should be acceptable, but I still like doing it.

Sciatica is not nice. Working at a restaurant while pregnant with Deedee wound up a blessing because it kept me active (I am horrible about working out). The online college bit during this pregnancy means not only am I fatter, but the expected aches and pains and difficulty staying comfortable in bed is worse. Stretching around a baby bump is an interesting challenge, though it does provide fun bonding moments while Deedee climbs all over me and the hubby helps hold stretches and lightly rubs my back.

Like flipping a switch, third trimester hit and voila, stretch marks! Distinctive, dark stretch marks as though I had paint on just my fingers then grabbed the lower half of the baby bump. I was somehow spared them with my first baby… I sorta think it’s because I was already a little chubby. I did gain the allowed/expected 30 pounds, but no noticeable stretch marks joined the faded ones I picked up during my 13^th year puberty explosion. I was still carrying Deedee baby fat when I conceived baby #2, so I guess my skin just doesn’t have any extra flexibility anymore.

I feel decidedly un-sexy. My low-simmering background depression was much more pronounced for a while so I’m sure that’s a contributing factor. But I drink water and moisturize all the time but still feel like an all dried out, wrinkly, itchy blah. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been and though intellectually I know it’s allowed, all the disparaging remarks I heard in the Army and from my ex-husband about being even slightly overweight haunt me.

Third trimester fatigue kicked in at the same time as major nesting ambitions. It’s an annoying conundrum, but I’m proud to say I am still getting quite a bit of renovating and baby supply organization done… though I need multiple days to do what I could do at peak condition in one. Nesting might be a reason I believe my depression has been better recently. That, and drawing a hard line for myself about time spent on Facebook. Whoever coined the term “doom-scrolling” nailed it.

Time is strange. I’m about to graduate college and I don’t feel ready for that next step. Deedee is fast approaching her 3^rd birthday and I can’t believe it – slow down, baby! Her and her sister’s bedroom renovation isn’t finished yet, but hubby and I wave our hands and say, “we’ve got time,” as we work on the rest of the house. As much as we aren’t ready, I feel like I’ve been pregnant forever and would love to stop feeling huge, tired, and peeing all day. I don’t feel almost 40 most of the time. Really, I believe I’m more like 30… marriage, first house, baby number 2, finishing college with no real career yet. Yes, I know those are societally structured landmarks for aging, but they’re pretty engrained within me. Not to mention a decade of my life (Army and ex-husband) does feel like it was a strange sort of side quest before I stepped back onto the path I had been anticipating for myself since my teenage years.

I really only feel old when I look in the mirror, the classic rock station plays something that came out when I was in high school, or getting off the floor or out of a chair with difficulty – though that is easily blamed on pregnancy. Kids keep you young and age you at the same time, right? I haven’t found any gray hairs yet, but looks like I’ll have to suffer through the crow’s feet.