So I’m not quite a perfectionist in the definition that comes to mind first. I’m not super tidy or organized. I thrived in the structured environment of the military because I was told what to do and when. Self-motivation and self-discipline are hard to come by. Especially as a stay at home mom. The demands of my 2 kids are sporadic and I just cater to their needs as they arise so I don’t have a firm schedule. I do have plenty of free time between diaper changes, toilet training runs to the potty, nursing, and sandwiches where I could write more, but somehow internet scrolling and depressive self loathing fills the voids. I play with my girls, too, they are in no way neglected, but it seems the time I used to spend on online college is still spent online, just unproductively.
I should write more. I want to write more. But I look at the screen with nothing definitive to say, so I don’t start at all. As though not having a fully formed thesis to write about is my excuse to not write at all. I also want to get my creative writing juices flowing again and work on my poetry and novel concepts, but also again, without a real plan, I stall starting at all. I hate this non-productivity, but I manage to cultivate excuses to not create. I know they’re weak, stupid excuses, so that only feeds my underlying depression anyway, and the cycle continues.
Is it perfectionism that keeps me from producing? Or fear of not being perfect, perhaps?
Random SAHM Thoughts 