So yeah, doubt and guilt are part and parcel of being a parent, but man, 2020 just keeps making everything worse! Being a stay at home mom has its unique challenges anyway, and I’d be lying if I said I never missed the scheduled distraction a job could give me right now… not to mention the money. I am grateful to be able to raise my daughter myself, but shielding her from seeing the stresses I’m under gets hard.
The world is a mess, and I’ve wondered if bringing new life into it was even a good idea. Like is it fair to my first and her yet-to-be-born sister? Do I need to raise them to be scientists to justify their existence to society? Try to push them to save the world from pollution and disease? Was my desire for children an irresponsible, selfish, instinct-driven thing?
I’m thankful I’m not in the damned if you do, damned if you don’t position parents with school-aged children are facing right now… this Covid-19 situation is no joke! My Facebook is full of parents venting frustrations and fears about their school districts decisions or continued state of limbo. There is no good choice, and there are plenty of parents with essentially no choice. Why does the US seem willing to cut off its nose to spite its face rather than learn a few lessons from other countries, or listen to the doctors that have dedicated their lives to learning about stuff like this?
Then there’s all the human trafficking and pedophilia in the news and social media right now and I am terrified for my girls! I know I’m biased, but my Deedee is absolutely beautiful. And it is with optimism that I believe the next combination of me and my husband’s genes will make our next daughter just as lovely. Someday yes, I’ll worry about the high school relationships that may break their hearts… then I’ll worry about them in bars, hope they choose good spouses etc… a parent will always worry. But the whole being kidnapped and victimized while incredibly young is a pretty intense kind of fear. Every headline I casually come across on a related topic gets me stuck stressing about it for hours. I am not okay. I’m even prepared to discuss pregnancy safe depression treatments at my next checkup. I remember my old psychologist telling me the spiraling obsessive thought process I get stuck in frequently is a symptom of depression. I weaned off antidepressants when hubby and I first started trying to make what would become Deedee. The wonderfully secure place my husband helped create with me, and the dream come true of motherhood has kept my depression manageable without meds ever since. But I think I need help again. I’d rather it not be pills until my next princess baby weans, but we’ll see. Postpartum for me, if the state of the world doesn’t drastically improve, seems a foregone conclusion.
I can’t believe I used to binge watch crime shows and not have even the remotest glimmer of the nightmares and intruding negative thoughts and fears as I do now. I’ve never particularly enjoyed the horror genre as a form of entertainment, but things that aren’t quite “horror” but are more suspense or fantastical used to make the cut.
Okay, so yeah, I’m not okay… but I’m not worried about doing anything drastic or tragic or completely crawling into a hole and hiding from the world… I’m still getting A’s in college, my marriage is great, my extended family is amazing – wish we all lived closer together though, our bills are getting paid (stressing about losing my Post 9-11 GI Bill stipend after graduation is another story), and most days I am legitimately fine. But I wish I could be as happy now as I was when Deedee was first making her presence known on the outside the way PB is now. But it’s an entirely different world just a short 3 years later. The stress is palpable. And Deedee has hit me with some late-onset terrible 2’s… but that’ll be its own post.
Bleghhh so yeah, vent session over. Thanks, hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s day with all that.
Random SAHM Thoughts 