So this post is a bit of a motivational exercise to force me to do something that I can call productive… I should be doing schoolwork… or renovations… or tackling a parenting milestone like potty training… or exercising my overweight self… Anyway… I didn’t really want to do a virus post but it’s the new normal and not addressing it would look like a weird, deliberate omission.
My 100% online school hasn’t made any changes, and as a stay at home mom, this virus hasn’t changed MY typical routine (except my husband does the weekly grocery pick-up now). But my routine has changed. I slowly click around headlines with a sort of simmering anxiety reading about Covid tragedy, stupidity, fears, politicization, and silver linings. I play a lot more phone games just avoiding, well, everything… weakly staving off anxiety, depression, and motivation problems. My coursework isn’t avoid-because-its-hard or tedious, or too easy. Just… I… don’t… care? I’m chugging along and still getting consistent grades, but they’re half-assed at best, I know. Facebook motivational posts talking about how it’s ok to not be ok, and not to beat yourself up over not being productive are both somewhat encouraging and somewhat patronizing. What a weird place in time we’re in.
My husband’s restaurant sent all but salaried people home with 2 weeks of their average paychecks before our state mandated they stop sit down service and I think that says a lot about their corporate office. Unfortunately, he’ll be out of work more than 2 weeks and no predicted back-to-it date. He’s bored, and while he’s not complaining, there’s an edge to his normal laid-back personality that comes up from time to time and I get it. Adjusting to my stay at home mom status had an ebb and flow between grateful, feeling useless, and pull-my-hair-out boring.
He’s cramping my routine in a big way! Not maliciously or anything, but his presence makes me self-conscious of some of my normal behaviors. Like being lazy for hours straight then cramming an assignment into 30 minutes as Deedee watches Tumble Leaf or Boss Baby. And my posture sitting hunched on the couch cross legged with a laptop on my lap really exacerbates my fat rolls and double chin. Or how I fill the sink with soapy water and wash 5-6 pieces at a time over the course of several hours. And how I feed Deedee a real lunch and then pair a bunch of grapes with a protein shake and call myself taken care of. All stuff I’m low-key embarrassed to do in front of hubby. Not because he judges me, mind you… but because I judge me. (Old relationship scars don’t help, either)
We were eating pretty well for a while, actually. Hubby doesn’t have his restaurant kitchen right now so he’s taken over much of the cooking and its restaurant level beautiful. When we were due groceries and Walmart pickup was booked solid, he shopped himself at Publix. I’m a practical, frugal shopper. I mean, we’re lowest middle class and food expenses add up fast. Hubby came home with brand names, specialty items, and three meals worth of fresh fish. It was a fun splurge, but no lie, I was grateful I could schedule the next pick up with my normal off-brand items and staple ingredients that make a variety of meals.
The novelty of complicated home cooked meals wore off after a while (I blame dishes), and frozen pizzas and lunchmeat sandwiches have steadily increased to before “stay-at-home-order” regularity. The borderline apathy makes everything harder. I did make chocolate chip cookies from scratch yesterday which made myself disproportionally proud!
Intellectually, I know the lethargy is normal, understandable, and excusable, but it’s still hard to not feel guilty about not being more productive. I’m going to try and assign myself fun essays to break up my schoolwork, avoid headlines, and possibly reach a more frequent posting schedule around here. No promises, because if it doesn’t work I’ll feel more guilty, but we’ll see…
Stay healthy, and whatever you’re feeling… remember you’re living through a weird time right now, so not feeling like yourself isn’t weird… but talk to people who can help you keep tabs on yourself… depression is no joke.
Random SAHM Thoughts 